10 Things That Piss Me Off, by George Carlin . . .
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? They should be shot.
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going
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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answers. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?" The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a
decent meal or sleep since that time. It would be most gracious of you if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says, I'll let you come in on one condition, you cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." 

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three
torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there as this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100-lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
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Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin
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Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. --Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. --Dave Barry

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that
He didn't trust me so much." - Mother Teresa
Amen, Sister. Uncle Roy
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Thank God cause I think I was the guy in front of the IRS agent.
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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that
he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."
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Subject: Nasty Boys.....
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor. And they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is the first to open hers. Then, staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born." The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why? Don't you know what color the child is going to be?" "Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is." "Okay", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head! It seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?" "Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman. "Wait", says the doctor, "The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?" "Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're very fair. Was one of the actors Norwegian?" "Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the backside. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying. "Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"

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A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note 

..
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that It had never been occupied, that there was plenty of heat, that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

>Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note

Dear Sir
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

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